Fatherhood to Jayden Nicholas Zervos: A Gift that I lost and then Regained.
Sept 30, 2008 is the month, date, and year when I first became a father. It is also that same date that I lost the opportunity to be your Dad. That weekend was one of the best weekends I had in my life but it is also the worst weekend that would hold a pain in my heart for the rest of my life. I’m in North Carolina while your mom was in the Bronx and I get a phone call that Mommy is going into preterm labor with you. My first emotion is fear because Mommy and I have already dealt with two miss carriages prior to you, and now it is our baby boy coming way ahead of schedule. I had two brothers who comforted me and prayed with me but there was no amount of prayer that was going to stop G-D’s will for you my son. I get off the train in the Bronx and get to the hospital and I see Mommy laying in bed in complete agony. We cried, we prayed, we comforted one another. It was the faith that I had in a no g-d that I thought would propel you to live beyond what the doctors and nurses were telling us. Unfortunately they were right and I was wrong. Mommy goes into labor and pushes out to what I thought was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen in my life because of course you were mine. They take you and they put all kinds of tubes in you and I’m watching them work on you and they are saying that they are doing everything that the can do but to my dismay is wasn’t enough. The doctors tell me that a machine is breathing for you, and I walked into your room and I look at you lying there with a doctors mask as a diaper because you was so small. I took your hand a placed it around the tip of my pinky and I saw you take your last breath and I cried as you went on to glory. They allowed your mother and I told hold your lifeless body and we said our goodbyes. The next day Mommy and I walked out of the hospital empty handed and that was the hardest thing we’ve ever had to do. The Bible says that you go to sleep with your father’s when you die and I know that you are pure energy because we are made in the image of G-D who is also the source of pure energy. Energy doesn’t dissipate, it transfers and I believe that the true and living G-D transferred your energy into who are now your little brothers and sisters. I love you and I miss you my first born son and I thank G-D for allowing me to have the gift of fatherhood again as I continue in the journey of being a Dad to Na’Amah, Nathan’El, Ezekiel, and Amayah. I’m not sure if I will get to see you when it’s my time to go on to glory but know that you’re always in my heart and I will always have a piece of you through your little brothers and sisters. BarukH Hashem.
